Hi there - it's a quick post today but I am reaching out for some parenting advice and I would love to hear your thoughts on this....
As you all know I have 2 daughters, my eldest who will be 4 has made several friends in the neighborhood who regularly knock on our door for impromptu play dates. My neighbor regularly watches her great-grand-daughter (we'll call her Amy) who is 6 she and my daughter get along and play well together. However, yesterday when I went outside to check on them Amy announced that they were at a bar, she was smoking (she had a stick dangling from her lips) and Byronie was drinking a beer. Now, I would not call myself a prude and I certainly enjoy a cold Corona on a hot day. But - playing "bar" does not mesh with what I would call appropriate play for a child. In response to Amy - I suggested they play something else like house, beauty parlor, or pretend they were in a cafe. My question for all of you is how would you handle this? Amy is out of school for the Summer and will most likely be ringing my doorbell regularly over the Summer holiday.
Just a note - I considered confronting Amy's parents. Her father is a nice chap (parents are no longer together) but I see the mother drinking and smoking in the yard quite often so not sure if she would share my concerns. Am I over-reacting? Your thoughts, please!
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Yikes. Not sure how I would handle that one! I will say that when I was about 10....much older....I had a bubble gum sig that I was playing with. My sister who is 10 years older than me came in and saw it and thought it was a real one. She freaked out. And I still remember that. It was totally harmless and I was just being silly but her reaction did make an impression on me. Obviously since I remember it 30 years later.
ReplyDeleteMaybe just make sure that they understand that this is not O.K. play for proper little girls.
ooohhh.. thats a definitley a tough one. I would think if that happened to me i would have tried to redirect their game (as you did). and then try to be a little more aware of their game play (if its possible). I know for us our next door neighbor, Willy, is a 9 year old who is high functioning autistic and we've found that we are constantly having to monitor their game play for games or words we don't approve of. Its a pain, but don't know what other options there are. I know Zeke will probably have a ton of friends on his lifetime that we don't approve of. So, we've decided that monitoring is our best bet.
ReplyDeleteYikes. That's a tough one, especially because you know that the girl's mother is modeling the behavior you want to eliminate. The question is ultimately how do you explain to the 6 year old that her mother's behavior is not okay with you. And, for me, I think the answer has to be that you don't. For better or worse, her parents have to model what they believe is acceptable for her. If her mother is smoking, her mother is - at least by example if not by words - teaching her that smoking is just fine. Ditto the bar, beer, etc. And yes, I drink in front of my kids. But do I get s***faced and stumble home incoherent? Nope. Not the model I want to give them, ya know?
ReplyDeleteA good friend pointed out to me recently the incredible value of teaching our children how to handle the world around them while using OUR values and beliefs. You cannot teach the neighbor girl what is right or wrong - though I would argue that you can be an example to her of a different way to live and therefore a potential model to her of what her adult life could be if she chose. What you can do is teach YOUR girls how you feel about that type of play, what you feel is acceptable for them and what your expectations are when they find themselves in situations like that. We can't protect our kids from the larger world, so why not start teaching them NOW how to handle things that don't jive with the values they're learning at home? It's a tough sell at this age, but I think it's the beginning of the larger battle all parents face.
I would wager that Byronie is old enough and sophisticated enough to understand that the way this girl plays is not the way you expect Byronie to play. I would try empowering Byronie with the words and ideas of what to say to this girl the next time she suggests an inappropriate game. How about, "I don't like playing bar. That's not fun. Let's play something cool like beauty parlor or chase." If the girl persists, Byronie can simply say that you don't allow her to play grown up games and direct the older girl to you if she has complaints or questions. It might not stick just yet, but it's the first step toward teaching her to hold on to her values in the face of values you don't support. Fast forward to the teenage years and hopefully she'll already have it down, right?
Thanks for all your comments - it is definitely food for thought. I do want to be a good example for this little girl and I think it might be part of the reason she likes coming over. For now - I will continue to monitor their play and do my best to guide them towards more appropriate pretend play.
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